For the past few weekends, I haven’t been doing much. Time basically revolved around sleep, eat and watch movies/anime. Other than the usual chore of washing clothes, I didn’t do much other chores unlike most weekends. The floor remains not mopped, room remains messy, and newspapers remain unread on the floor.
I myself could not figure out why I was so slack. Haven’t exactly had late nights for last 2 weeks, so I shouldn’t feel that tired over the weekend. I analysed a bit and concluded that somehow, I lack the motivation to do anything. I just wanted to laze around, but that time spent idling proved to be fruitless. What exactly do I need to motivate myself at work and at home?
Perhaps I was just bored. This kind of feeling comes every 2 years or so whereby I feel bored and find nothing interesting. So any guy that comes along and tries to be friendly usually gets to date me. The last time I did do serious dating was 2 years back. Then as time passed, I knew I didn’t really like the guy. I wasn’t really interested in having a long-term relationship and was dating him more of for company. I felt guilty and bad, and so I stopped going out with him. It’s not the first time that I’ve done such. And so I’m really keen about not doing such again.
Watched Meteor Garden series these few weekends. Had watched it before. But that day when a colleague told me about the Korean version, I went online and search. Ended up watching the Taiwanese version again. Somehow, the show enlightened me on some matters, although it did take up quite some time. Anyway, I was wondering would Hua Ze Lei been a better choice for San Cai considering she had liked him initially, and he was always there being her guardian angel?
The show highlighted to me the differences between the hot-headed kind of guys like Dao Ming Si and the artistic silent ones like Hua Ze Lei. It is so different to be with either one. Yet what exactly is it to be with someone? Just for the company? The hugs and kisses? The mental support? Make life more interesting? But if it was for the first two, wouldn’t it be similar to having rendezvous? If it was for the last two, wouldn’t bosom friends suffice? Why must there be a particular someone?

Enjoying the time

I guess when people mature, they start to do weird stuff. Today, my horoscope states that I’ll be a busy person as everyone wants a part of me. (Yes, I’ve been looking at horoscopes for the past 2 months or so, whereby the team took it as a form of entertainment during lunch, and trying to tie the day’s happenings to the horoscope). In some sense, it was quite true. In the morning, I was back at work, despite it being a Saturday. In the afternoon, I went to get a birthday cake for an ex-colleague’s birthday celebration in the afternoon. That was a rushed 10-minute lunch. Fastest I ever ate since I started working. Then despite the heavy downpour, I got myself (and the birthday cake and present) to the celebration location. I had to cut the cake, pour drinks, clean the dishes, play with the kids, etc. Then in the evening, I was supposed to meet up with the jc mates. If it was 5 years ago, I believe I would have somehow easily got through the day and the activities. But somehow, either I’m older, or more picky, or simply more weird, that the below happened:

1. I left work despite not completing what I wanted to. But that was because I didn’t want to be late for the celebration, particularly when I was getting the cake. So never mind.

2. I didn’t wait for one of those attending, who was very close to me. She was on her way, and probably will take another 15 minutes or so to reach. I simply told her I was going to the house first. But in the sense, I wanted to get to the house before the birthday lady did, never mind again.

3. For the first hour that we were there while waiting for the lady, I actually find myself drifting out of the conversation topics. These were people who were very close, and we were always interested in everyone’s life. But no, I wasn’t exactly interested in the 6-week baby, other than thinking he was quite cute. I wasn’t interested in all those talk about confinement. It kind of became a routine task to sit there and ask some questions so as not to have silence. It didn’t feel close anymore.

4. When the close friend asked whether we were going to cut the cake soon, I sneaked to the kitchen and started putting the candles. No one came and help, even the close friend. And for a moment, I felt dumb. No one was interested in having a cake anyway. Why did I even bother to buy one?

5. So I went to call the close friend to come help. I felt mean that I kind of dictated her to help. That wasn’t supposed to be the way friends are. Was my authoritative style at work creeping into my personal life?

6. When we were just chatting, the close friend told me that I haven’t given the present. I was mean again. I actually snapped at her ‘You cannot give ah?’ Why was I so snappy? Was it that irritating that everyone expected me to be in-charge of everything? But the fact they did was probably because I was good with controlling events and tasks. Yet I felt it was a stab to the friendship. Somehow, I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel good that people like me to be in charge. In fact, I wondered why someone would not take over the role.

7. We left, and I told the rest I was meeting up with another group of friends. I got to the mrt station, and actually wanted to change my mind of attending the gathering. My usual female pals were not going. Suddenly I felt stupid to say I was going. In my mind I was asking, am I attending just because I know there is a gathering, and I feel obliged to attend, or that I felt a need to socialize? Or was it that I really wanted to meet these people I was supposed to be meeting? I thought of why the others were not attending, which was probably due to they not exactly wanting to meet these people. So why then was I attending? I haven’t been in touch with these people for the last 7 years or so, why would I want to attend then? Simply because since it was so long, and finally there was a gathering, that I felt it only right to attend? But do I WANT to go? But I decided I should go ahead and meet them since I was already in the area.

8. Since they were having dinner and I didn’t want to, I decided to do some shopping first. After an hour or so of shopping, I messaged one of those already there that I was going home. With the lame reason of tired. Yes, I was indeed tired from all those late nights, and rushing from location to location during the day. But if I really wanted, I presume I could have fitted in the gathering into the day’s schedule. And I actually shopped in the exact same building they were having dinner in. But I simply felt I didn’t exactly want to meet them. I was simply there because I thought I wanted to attend, but in fact I didn’t. There was no feeling of dying to meet these people, and knowing I will have a good time. Plus with the afternoon of not exactly having a great time, I think I could not take another hit to my social life. So I went off, without seeing those people at all. This was the first time I ever did such. Last time I hope. I felt like a big liar, even though there wasn’t exactly any lie.

I think I’m either having a quarterlife crisis, or fate is testing me being a single. Being the single who have no commitments and should be free enough to get the cake, do the dishes, play with the kids, attend social events, simply because singles are supposed to have the energy and time. I’m going to fight back! The whole purpose of being single is to spend my time fruitfully and happily. To enjoy myself when out with friends, and not feeling as though it’s a chore. If I don’t live for myself, then who will live for me?